Thanks. [he carefully turns the box over in his hands to look at the information on it, optics shuttering a few times.] Think if I get really into this we could collaborate?
[something occurs to him and he frowns, suddenly.]
I can't keep boundaries with anyone anymore. [he says, as it occurs to him.]
I don't know. [he admits, as he carefully places the box on the table.] It's something I've always had an issue with, because after long enough you can't avoid not holdin' everyone at arms length. Especially when you're the only one that... yeah.
Are you scared that you will let your biases get the better of you, that by becoming a patient's friend you no longer have the perspective of a doctor but a companion?
[ Rung feels the stabbing in his chest, the twisting of his spark and he... he feels for Ratchet's predicament.
He reaches a hand over and touches Ratchet's as he places the box down. ]
I... feel much the same. 200 hundred patients of the Lost Light, and I'm the only therapist.
Its frightening, they are all in your hands and you have to take care of them all. You have to make sure they take care of themselves too.
If you slip up its a domino. And you feel like you have to keep yourself distanced and walled up. Or else they... [ Rung goes quiet and grips Ratchet's hand. ]
Not quite the same, I just... feel like I have to do everythin' for them. Even when I don't have time, or even if it's something that's too much for me.
[he looks down at rung's hand touching his, expression guarded. he doesn't move back, though, while he tries to work out how to give words to his issues.]
It's-- fine, I just... don't know how to say no. Maybe moreso here, because if people are gonna disappear I want to do what I can for them before they lose the chance to have it.
You want to spare them agony. You want them to be happy and healthy.
Ratchet... Don't make my mistakes, and yet.. I... being close with your patients isn't... it isn't wrong.
sometimes they do need a friend more than a therapist.
[ He can only hear the screaming in his processor. He takes his hand away like a skittish mouse who's stolen cheese off the mangled corpse of another. ]
I... I'm not sure what's right in the end, what this place means to me or you or anyone else. Second chance?
To do what.... are we still bound by our rules or are we free to make the same mistakes over again?
Ratchet, if I were to tell you something.... would you see me in the same light? Could we still remain comrades? I don't know how to keep a boundary either... no matter how I try.
[that's all he really has to say to that, as rung has summarised it quite well. he looks down at his hands with his expression pinched, then back to the box with the model in it. he will do it, he decides, and he will work together with rung on one. perhaps both of them will benefit from that. ratchet likes rung, anyway, he's happy to spend the time with him.
he moves forward slightly, resting his elbows on his knees.] Tell me whatever you need, Rung. I think if we're mutually worried about boundaries, we'll keep 'em.
[ He's cornered himself, in an attempt to appeal to a peer's needs and show he isn't alone. And Ratchet has always been a trusted ally. He folds his hands and sits down taking a long vented sigh. ]
There was a time, before I joined the Lost Light... that I befriended a patient on board a ship I worked with.
I wanted them to feel safe with me, to know I did have their best interests in mind. And I grew legitimately attached.
I was to be fired for this. And our ship crashed not long after... It never went on to be official, anyone who knew is long dead... including my patient.
I simply... kept working instead, as soon as I recovered.
I have only spoken of this to one other peer, an associate named Froid who is also no longer is with us.
[he listens silently, expression unchanging. honestly, this is kind of a big deal, but ratchet knows he would be hypocritical to raise a stink about it. he's also finding it a bit hard to care about those things at the moment, too.]
I'm sorry you lost your friend, as well as the ship. These sort of things worry me, too, especially here. What does it mean for us bein' stuck on the same ship with them indefinitely? I wonder what the board would have to say about that.
[it's not a problem ratchet would ever have, practicing normally.]
I don't know. boundaries are.. difficult in these situations and distancing yourself can be...
Its why I was happy to have peers again. You and Krok... it meant I didn't need to do this alone, we could lean on eachother and support eachother in ways we can't support our patients.. but
I feel its almost impossible when we live with them..
[he keeps looking down at his hands, drawing them into his lap.]
Well. It's not entirely proper or professional, but I think we can still be peers after this. We all need to work together with these new dimensional issues that affect mental health and Primus knows we ain't got much choice in anythin' else.
[his expression crimps.]
The friggin' board can deal with it when Cybertron is alive again and there even is one.
[he could talk more about this with rung, but he is right. it would just let ratchet deflect his own stuff more and more until he convinces himself he doesn't need to talk about any of it again.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Rung undestands the want to look away from him. Try as he might.. it still seems unequal grounds.
Just don't look too long away that he forgets his face... please. ]
Its a spare. I have a few of this brand for occasions like this.
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[something occurs to him and he frowns, suddenly.]
I can't keep boundaries with anyone anymore. [he says, as it occurs to him.]
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Oh I would be honoured and never thought you'd ask-
[ And the face falls soon as the rest of his words register in his processor. ]
oh... oh Ratchet... is this why you've become so anxious?
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[ Rung feels the stabbing in his chest, the twisting of his spark and he... he feels for Ratchet's predicament.
He reaches a hand over and touches Ratchet's as he places the box down. ]
I... feel much the same. 200 hundred patients of the Lost Light, and I'm the only therapist.
Its frightening, they are all in your hands and you have to take care of them all. You have to make sure they take care of themselves too.
If you slip up its a domino. And you feel like you have to keep yourself distanced and walled up. Or else they... [ Rung goes quiet and grips Ratchet's hand. ]
I'm sorry I'm over stepping aren't I.
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[he looks down at rung's hand touching his, expression guarded. he doesn't move back, though, while he tries to work out how to give words to his issues.]
It's-- fine, I just... don't know how to say no. Maybe moreso here, because if people are gonna disappear I want to do what I can for them before they lose the chance to have it.
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Ratchet... Don't make my mistakes, and yet.. I... being close with your patients isn't... it isn't wrong.
sometimes they do need a friend more than a therapist.
[ He can only hear the screaming in his processor. He takes his hand away like a skittish mouse who's stolen cheese off the mangled corpse of another. ]
I... I'm not sure what's right in the end, what this place means to me or you or anyone else. Second chance?
To do what.... are we still bound by our rules or are we free to make the same mistakes over again?
Ratchet, if I were to tell you something.... would you see me in the same light? Could we still remain comrades? I don't know how to keep a boundary either... no matter how I try.
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[that's all he really has to say to that, as rung has summarised it quite well. he looks down at his hands with his expression pinched, then back to the box with the model in it. he will do it, he decides, and he will work together with rung on one. perhaps both of them will benefit from that. ratchet likes rung, anyway, he's happy to spend the time with him.
he moves forward slightly, resting his elbows on his knees.] Tell me whatever you need, Rung. I think if we're mutually worried about boundaries, we'll keep 'em.
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There was a time, before I joined the Lost Light... that I befriended a patient on board a ship I worked with.
I wanted them to feel safe with me, to know I did have their best interests in mind. And I grew legitimately attached.
I was to be fired for this. And our ship crashed not long after... It never went on to be official, anyone who knew is long dead... including my patient.
I simply... kept working instead, as soon as I recovered.
I have only spoken of this to one other peer, an associate named Froid who is also no longer is with us.
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I'm sorry you lost your friend, as well as the ship. These sort of things worry me, too, especially here. What does it mean for us bein' stuck on the same ship with them indefinitely? I wonder what the board would have to say about that.
[it's not a problem ratchet would ever have, practicing normally.]
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Its why I was happy to have peers again. You and Krok... it meant I didn't need to do this alone, we could lean on eachother and support eachother in ways we can't support our patients.. but
I feel its almost impossible when we live with them..
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Well. It's not entirely proper or professional, but I think we can still be peers after this. We all need to work together with these new dimensional issues that affect mental health and Primus knows we ain't got much choice in anythin' else.
[his expression crimps.]
The friggin' board can deal with it when Cybertron is alive again and there even is one.
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I... would you like some tar thinnings and we can get back on track.
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Alright. You have some too, y'hear?
end?