Not intentionally. I don't-- I like having the work. [and he does! otherwise he wouldn't be doing what he does.] I know I picked up some awful habits durin' the war, but who didn't? I feel-- I don't know, aimless when I don't have work, when I'm not contributing in some way. Ah-- but don't get me wrong, I don't feel horrible about not bein' at work while I'm recovering. I know that pushing past this limit would result in permanent damage. I'm not risking that.
[but his next few statements bring ratchet pause.]
No. The mission wasn't the straw. I think the straw happened a while ago, but I kept... leavin' it. I can't really say what it was, for patient confidentiality, but it was a very personal thing. Something out of my control. If things hadn't lined up, two mechs would be dead. [he pales just saying it. just thinking it.] ...I don't know. At the party? I had some fun there.
We all love our purpose, what we've chosen for ourselves. Unlearning the harmful parts of these purposes is a trial in itself especially in the medical field.
I'm glad you went to the party, one good night with no worries. You deserve that and many more peaceful nights.
We can find some way to address this stress. You don't have to tell me who or what happened.
Yeah, tell me about it. [but-- he thinks it wasn't all bad. he genuinely did gain a huge tolerance for a lot of work and stress. it was extremely personal stress during the war, too, but it's just hurting more when it's here.] Saw you havin' some fun there, Rung. Good on you.
[he stops fiddling with the stress toy, rubbing his hands together.]
It's-- filtering different. I can deal with the stress, but it's startin' to turn into anxiety. I can't have that.
Without giving me the details. Can you explain this anxiety? Is there a specific trigger for it flaring up in relation to things? A certain time of day, or week. A routine this is accompanied by
Then I can see only one solution.time away from stresses.
You are a brilliant doctor, but these things pile worse and I don't need to explain what happens when. A doctor no matter how skilled is too stressed or tired.
I'm sure you're already working towards a goal in mind. And what ever break you're giving yourself needs extending.
I'll just-- round it out to a month. That's what's worked before. [he's still not looking at rung, even though he's agreeing with him. it seems this kind of thing is still a heavy, heavy thing for ratchet to deal with or consider.
he looks up when rung offers the ship kit, taking it with a tilted head.] Oh. Yeah. That makes sense. Gonna have to be one that doesn't involve too much thinkin', so... maybe I'll just use the kit? If it's spare.
Thanks. [he carefully turns the box over in his hands to look at the information on it, optics shuttering a few times.] Think if I get really into this we could collaborate?
[something occurs to him and he frowns, suddenly.]
I can't keep boundaries with anyone anymore. [he says, as it occurs to him.]
I don't know. [he admits, as he carefully places the box on the table.] It's something I've always had an issue with, because after long enough you can't avoid not holdin' everyone at arms length. Especially when you're the only one that... yeah.
Are you scared that you will let your biases get the better of you, that by becoming a patient's friend you no longer have the perspective of a doctor but a companion?
[ Rung feels the stabbing in his chest, the twisting of his spark and he... he feels for Ratchet's predicament.
He reaches a hand over and touches Ratchet's as he places the box down. ]
I... feel much the same. 200 hundred patients of the Lost Light, and I'm the only therapist.
Its frightening, they are all in your hands and you have to take care of them all. You have to make sure they take care of themselves too.
If you slip up its a domino. And you feel like you have to keep yourself distanced and walled up. Or else they... [ Rung goes quiet and grips Ratchet's hand. ]
Not quite the same, I just... feel like I have to do everythin' for them. Even when I don't have time, or even if it's something that's too much for me.
[he looks down at rung's hand touching his, expression guarded. he doesn't move back, though, while he tries to work out how to give words to his issues.]
It's-- fine, I just... don't know how to say no. Maybe moreso here, because if people are gonna disappear I want to do what I can for them before they lose the chance to have it.
You want to spare them agony. You want them to be happy and healthy.
Ratchet... Don't make my mistakes, and yet.. I... being close with your patients isn't... it isn't wrong.
sometimes they do need a friend more than a therapist.
[ He can only hear the screaming in his processor. He takes his hand away like a skittish mouse who's stolen cheese off the mangled corpse of another. ]
I... I'm not sure what's right in the end, what this place means to me or you or anyone else. Second chance?
To do what.... are we still bound by our rules or are we free to make the same mistakes over again?
Ratchet, if I were to tell you something.... would you see me in the same light? Could we still remain comrades? I don't know how to keep a boundary either... no matter how I try.
[that's all he really has to say to that, as rung has summarised it quite well. he looks down at his hands with his expression pinched, then back to the box with the model in it. he will do it, he decides, and he will work together with rung on one. perhaps both of them will benefit from that. ratchet likes rung, anyway, he's happy to spend the time with him.
he moves forward slightly, resting his elbows on his knees.] Tell me whatever you need, Rung. I think if we're mutually worried about boundaries, we'll keep 'em.
[ He's cornered himself, in an attempt to appeal to a peer's needs and show he isn't alone. And Ratchet has always been a trusted ally. He folds his hands and sits down taking a long vented sigh. ]
There was a time, before I joined the Lost Light... that I befriended a patient on board a ship I worked with.
I wanted them to feel safe with me, to know I did have their best interests in mind. And I grew legitimately attached.
I was to be fired for this. And our ship crashed not long after... It never went on to be official, anyone who knew is long dead... including my patient.
I simply... kept working instead, as soon as I recovered.
I have only spoken of this to one other peer, an associate named Froid who is also no longer is with us.
[he listens silently, expression unchanging. honestly, this is kind of a big deal, but ratchet knows he would be hypocritical to raise a stink about it. he's also finding it a bit hard to care about those things at the moment, too.]
I'm sorry you lost your friend, as well as the ship. These sort of things worry me, too, especially here. What does it mean for us bein' stuck on the same ship with them indefinitely? I wonder what the board would have to say about that.
[it's not a problem ratchet would ever have, practicing normally.]
I don't know. boundaries are.. difficult in these situations and distancing yourself can be...
Its why I was happy to have peers again. You and Krok... it meant I didn't need to do this alone, we could lean on eachother and support eachother in ways we can't support our patients.. but
I feel its almost impossible when we live with them..
[he keeps looking down at his hands, drawing them into his lap.]
Well. It's not entirely proper or professional, but I think we can still be peers after this. We all need to work together with these new dimensional issues that affect mental health and Primus knows we ain't got much choice in anythin' else.
[his expression crimps.]
The friggin' board can deal with it when Cybertron is alive again and there even is one.
[he could talk more about this with rung, but he is right. it would just let ratchet deflect his own stuff more and more until he convinces himself he doesn't need to talk about any of it again.]
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2023-10-20 05:22 pm (UTC)[but his next few statements bring ratchet pause.]
No. The mission wasn't the straw. I think the straw happened a while ago, but I kept... leavin' it. I can't really say what it was, for patient confidentiality, but it was a very personal thing. Something out of my control. If things hadn't lined up, two mechs would be dead. [he pales just saying it. just thinking it.] ...I don't know. At the party? I had some fun there.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-21 08:34 pm (UTC)I'm glad you went to the party, one good night with no worries. You deserve that and many more peaceful nights.
We can find some way to address this stress. You don't have to tell me who or what happened.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-22 12:35 pm (UTC)[he stops fiddling with the stress toy, rubbing his hands together.]
It's-- filtering different. I can deal with the stress, but it's startin' to turn into anxiety. I can't have that.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-22 09:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-10-28 05:17 pm (UTC)[he says after a moments thought.]
It's all the time, now.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-28 06:34 pm (UTC)You are a brilliant doctor, but these things pile worse and I don't need to explain what happens when. A doctor no matter how skilled is too stressed or tired.
I'm sure you're already working towards a goal in mind. And what ever break you're giving yourself needs extending.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-28 07:14 pm (UTC)I've taken two weeks thus far, for the injuries to heal.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-06 12:44 am (UTC)Here [ Rung picks up a small kit. It looks like a model kit that he seems to carry around from time to time but its brand new and not yet opened. ]
Like me, I took up model kits to help my brain relax on things [ And leave behind proof he exists but that's not important here ]
I want you to pick up a hobby for the half to full week off for your mind. if you can't think of one I am assigning you this kit.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-06 05:10 pm (UTC)he looks up when rung offers the ship kit, taking it with a tilted head.] Oh. Yeah. That makes sense. Gonna have to be one that doesn't involve too much thinkin', so... maybe I'll just use the kit? If it's spare.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-06 05:58 pm (UTC)[ Rung undestands the want to look away from him. Try as he might.. it still seems unequal grounds.
Just don't look too long away that he forgets his face... please. ]
Its a spare. I have a few of this brand for occasions like this.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-08 04:34 pm (UTC)[something occurs to him and he frowns, suddenly.]
I can't keep boundaries with anyone anymore. [he says, as it occurs to him.]
no subject
Date: 2023-11-08 04:50 pm (UTC)Oh I would be honoured and never thought you'd ask-
[ And the face falls soon as the rest of his words register in his processor. ]
oh... oh Ratchet... is this why you've become so anxious?
no subject
Date: 2023-11-08 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-11-08 05:17 pm (UTC)[ Rung feels the stabbing in his chest, the twisting of his spark and he... he feels for Ratchet's predicament.
He reaches a hand over and touches Ratchet's as he places the box down. ]
I... feel much the same. 200 hundred patients of the Lost Light, and I'm the only therapist.
Its frightening, they are all in your hands and you have to take care of them all. You have to make sure they take care of themselves too.
If you slip up its a domino. And you feel like you have to keep yourself distanced and walled up. Or else they... [ Rung goes quiet and grips Ratchet's hand. ]
I'm sorry I'm over stepping aren't I.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-08 07:48 pm (UTC)[he looks down at rung's hand touching his, expression guarded. he doesn't move back, though, while he tries to work out how to give words to his issues.]
It's-- fine, I just... don't know how to say no. Maybe moreso here, because if people are gonna disappear I want to do what I can for them before they lose the chance to have it.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-08 08:49 pm (UTC)Ratchet... Don't make my mistakes, and yet.. I... being close with your patients isn't... it isn't wrong.
sometimes they do need a friend more than a therapist.
[ He can only hear the screaming in his processor. He takes his hand away like a skittish mouse who's stolen cheese off the mangled corpse of another. ]
I... I'm not sure what's right in the end, what this place means to me or you or anyone else. Second chance?
To do what.... are we still bound by our rules or are we free to make the same mistakes over again?
Ratchet, if I were to tell you something.... would you see me in the same light? Could we still remain comrades? I don't know how to keep a boundary either... no matter how I try.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-09 01:05 pm (UTC)[that's all he really has to say to that, as rung has summarised it quite well. he looks down at his hands with his expression pinched, then back to the box with the model in it. he will do it, he decides, and he will work together with rung on one. perhaps both of them will benefit from that. ratchet likes rung, anyway, he's happy to spend the time with him.
he moves forward slightly, resting his elbows on his knees.] Tell me whatever you need, Rung. I think if we're mutually worried about boundaries, we'll keep 'em.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-09 01:32 pm (UTC)There was a time, before I joined the Lost Light... that I befriended a patient on board a ship I worked with.
I wanted them to feel safe with me, to know I did have their best interests in mind. And I grew legitimately attached.
I was to be fired for this. And our ship crashed not long after... It never went on to be official, anyone who knew is long dead... including my patient.
I simply... kept working instead, as soon as I recovered.
I have only spoken of this to one other peer, an associate named Froid who is also no longer is with us.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-10 05:39 pm (UTC)I'm sorry you lost your friend, as well as the ship. These sort of things worry me, too, especially here. What does it mean for us bein' stuck on the same ship with them indefinitely? I wonder what the board would have to say about that.
[it's not a problem ratchet would ever have, practicing normally.]
no subject
Date: 2023-11-10 05:55 pm (UTC)Its why I was happy to have peers again. You and Krok... it meant I didn't need to do this alone, we could lean on eachother and support eachother in ways we can't support our patients.. but
I feel its almost impossible when we live with them..
no subject
Date: 2023-11-11 10:22 pm (UTC)Well. It's not entirely proper or professional, but I think we can still be peers after this. We all need to work together with these new dimensional issues that affect mental health and Primus knows we ain't got much choice in anythin' else.
[his expression crimps.]
The friggin' board can deal with it when Cybertron is alive again and there even is one.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-21 12:45 pm (UTC)I... would you like some tar thinnings and we can get back on track.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-21 06:14 pm (UTC)Alright. You have some too, y'hear?
end?
Date: 2023-11-22 12:43 pm (UTC)